MY PROFILE

​WHY？

​为何？

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I used to think that my birth was special. “Now that I have come to this world, the future will change because of me”. Even though this thought has never completely dissipated, as the years have grown, my confidence is diminishing, and I feel mediocre in many ways: I want to be strong, but I am afraid of failure; I pursue perfection, but I am lazy; in the laughter of the crowd, there is an unprecedented peaceful serene growing. Something is missing in my heart, a feeling that I was once pretreating.

At the age of thirteen, I left my hometown alone and embarked on a journey alone. I left my parents, family, partners, and everything in my hometown. I started from scratch at a place 7000 miles away from home, speaking different languages, listening to things I have never heard of, and seeing people who look very different from myself, leading a similar, but more completely different life. The concept of home has changed from a shelter covering oneself to a ray of thoughts on the other side of the world. This change also made me, who was once under the searchlight in the center of the stage, obscured and retreat to the corner of the stage.

I turned on the light with a softbox behind the camera, and let the light spread evenly on my face.

Year after year, I recorded many things that happened to me in this foreign country. At first, I used literature, then drawing, music, photography, and now I use movies. These hobbies grew from loneliness have opened up a new world for me. I have met like-minded friends. Although the number is not large, I can finally laugh because when I want to laugh. Furthermore,  last year, relying on the proficient election video, I was elected as the vice president, I received support and compliments from my friends, classmates, even the principal.  In addition to the honor represented by this responsibility, what makes me most happy is my work that is recognized by everyone and gathers in the visual center of everyone.

I lined the wrinkled clothes on my chest and adjusted my sitting posture facing the camera

No matter where you are, when you turn around and look back, you will find someone who is alone. I realized this when I looked back at the footage I took for our school introduction campaign. I believe that when people grow up, they will be confused for a certain period, questioning the meaning of their existence over and over again. Perhaps, a hug, a round of applause, a compliment, a glance, or even just a chance to emerge in the spotlight, is enough to get them out of the darkness. Therefore, in the past summer vacation, together with my friends who relied on the same hobby, I organized a film festival from the beginning of planning, and its name was named: In Between Us. This is an arduous process, but the seemingly regular planning steps can be subdivided infinitely, creating unpredictable variables. Difficulties lie in front of you like a mountain, but just like mountain climbing, you can see the brilliance of witnesses: we have grown from four or five people in the team at the end of last year to an organization supported by the state government, the Montgomery Film Festival and many other authorities. Today is the end of this film festival. As the chief creator, I will give a final speech to all those who are on the stage and those who have helped us.

I smiled softly, looked at the deep lens on the camera, and pressed the record button.

Perhaps it is precise because people are born with loneliness and tricks, that's why we are eager for each other.

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我曾经认为我的出生是特别的，既然来到了这个世界， 未来一定会因我改变。即使这样的 想法从未完全消散，随着岁月的增长，我愈发感受到自身的平庸：我要强，但害怕失败；我追求完 美，但懒惰；在人群中欢声笑语里，心中却滋生着前所未有的平静与孤独。内心仿佛缺失了一种感 受，一种曾经拥有但却遗失了的感觉。 

十三岁那年我独自离开了家乡，踏上了一个人旅途。离开了父母，家人，伙伴，以及故乡的 一切。在距离家7000英里的地方从零开始，说着不同语言，听着没听说过的事，看着和自己样貌 迥异的人，过着有雷同，但更多截然不同的生活。家的概念从笼罩自身的庇护，变成世界另一边的 一缕念想。这种转变，也使曾经如同在舞台正中央的探照灯下的我，变得默默无闻，退到舞台的角 落。 

我想我在这个没有归宿的旅途中遇到的年长者和同龄人大多都并没有把我视作异类，不 仅没有嘲笑之意，更是对我的与众不同充满了好奇。在学校的这些年里，至少客观世界里我从来 没有孤身一人过，午餐的餐桌上，我的身边簇拥着性格各异的人，即便完全没理解他们的话题是 什么，他们也会把我加入讨论。我迫切的想要回报这种对我施舍的善良与宽容，希望就此能回到 原来的那种朋友们簇拥在一起的时光，但就像决定一个笑话是否好笑的原则是靠其他人的反应一 样，这种文化上语言上根本的脱节，使对话变成了迎合，交流变成了客套。我对所有人都充满了友 好，希望能将一开始那些接纳我的人的感情，基于给别人。但这样的一视同仁，并没有令任何一个 人走进我的心底，这种浅显的羁绊终究是不长久的。人与事就像地铁里的人群一样，上上下下，来 来去去，到最后都散了。而我，就像一个观测者，站在第三人称视角默默望着这个世界。 我停止了往日的思绪，把身前三脚架上的相机朝向自己。 

其实，来到这里不久后，我便意识到心里失去的究竟是什么：尝试着各种各样的新事物，挑 战着以前想都不敢想的责任，保持着远超平均值的成绩，我拥有着一切，但又感觉一无所有。但有 一个瞬间，我环顾了四周，望着明明没那么完美，却被父母，朋友簇拥着的人，那一刻我想明白了 — 我渴望着被关注。“既然来到了这个世界，未来一定会因我改变“！ 这么多年来，我从来没忘记。我不甘于默默观守我活着的这段日子，让人生中最绚丽多彩的时日在记忆中慢慢褪淡。十三 岁之后的相册就没有了我的影音，但一点一点的，我拿起了相机，第一次记录自己的那一刻，我仿 佛成为了自己人生的导演。

我把架在相机后的套着柔光箱的灯打开，让光均匀的铺在了我的脸上。 

一年又一年，我记录了自己在异国他乡发生的许多事，最开始用文字，然后用图画，后来 用音乐，到现在用影片。这些在孤独下催生的爱好一点一点的为我展开了一个新的世界，我认识 了志同道合的朋友，虽然数量不多，但我总算可以因为内心想笑而开怀大笑了。甚至在去年的时 候，依靠着脱引而出的竞选影片，在全校疫情的网络投票下，我当选了学校学生会的副主席。最令 

我开心的除了这份责任所代表的荣誉，更是被大家认可，汇聚于所有人视觉中心的我的作品。 我把胸前皱巴巴的衣服衬了一下，调整面朝镜头的坐姿 

不管身处何处，转身回头，一定能找到身处孤独的人，我在一次回看素材时意识到这点。 我相信人在长大时，一定会有某个时期陷入迷茫，一遍遍审问自己存在的意义。也许，一个拥抱， 一段掌声，一声夸赞，一眼注视，或甚至仅仅是一个在聚光灯下崭露的机会，就足以把他们脱离黑 暗。因此，在刚刚过去的暑假里，我与依靠着同样爱好所结识朋友们一起，从策划开始，举办了一 个电影节，它的名字被我们定为：In Between Us。这是一个艰辛的过程，看似规整的计划步骤却 可以无限细分，滋生出难以预料的变数。困难如同大山一般横卧在面前，但也正如登山一样，能见 证人性的光辉：我们从去年年底团队里的四五个人，发展到有着州政府，蒙哥马利电影节等众多权 威机构支持的组织。今天正是这次电影节结束的日子，作为主创人的我即将对于所有登上这个舞 台的人，与帮助我们的贵人献上一段最后的致辞。 

我轻轻的笑了，望着相机上深邃的镜头按下了录制键。 

也许，正因人们生而根孤伎薄，所以我们才相濡以沫。